Posts

Shiawase // 14.06.22

生きりたい。赤ちゃんはできなかったから、私はぜひ生きるなくちゃ。毎日に彼のことを思ってなら、心が悲しい。どうして?まだそのいやな気持ちがあるのがどうして ?忘れるのはいつ?一昨日彼氏と話した。。今彼は私の大きい秘密を知る。じゃ、良いね。今彼はすべての私のことが分かる。「彼は私が好きのがなぜ?」と時々思う。それでも、彼は良い男だから信じるつもり。私の歴史を知るがまだ私に「大好き」と「あなたが可愛い」と言う。私はラッキーな女ね? 彼はビサをもらったら、私たちは日本に行くのができる。来週彼は大使館に行って知る。彼の最後のチャンスだから、私は心配がたくさんある。まあ、大丈夫。ワーキングホリデーしられないたら、まだ3月間旅行する。彼とどこでもに行きたい楽しいそうだよ。 This took a very long time to write, and even then my Japanese is shocking. My grammar is all over the place! I can't wait for the day when I will be able to comprehend and communicate in Japanese with relative ease! I have always wanted to be proficient in another language. I hope that every single person who knows two or more languages appreciated just how privileged they are; compared to those who had to claw their way through. Learning languages - hell, learning anything worth knowing at all - is painful, and it is tough, but it is so very worth it. I am so exhausted......but I want to read through the last volume of Pandora Hearts, which will probab

Laundry Thoughts // 11.05.22

It is strange to me that not more time has passed since my last entry. It really does feel like another lifetime, that world in which I once called my home. I was hanging my laundry after pole dance class when thoughts of my old best friend caught me by surprise. The ego in me once again rose up, indignant, protesting how unjust it is that a friendship could end without event in such a mundane and unsatisfying manner. I wasn't even worth the effort of a proper parting. "Oh, we just drifted apart." How do I come to terms when I wasn't even allowed proper closure? I suppose I could thank the stars for allowing me some space, away from her orbit. I loved her, as I did the man who broke my heart a million times over . . . there will be a part of me - my history - who always will. But maybe I need to be okay with change, and I should cut myself some slack for feeling relieved in outgrowing people in my life whom I once held onto so very tightly. Because haven't I learn

Covid-infused 4AM Japanese musings // 02.04

たしかに彼が大好きだよ。かわいな目で将来を見せる。ねむいだけど寝られない。いつか彼と結婚して彼の妻(ワイフ)になりたい!❣ 何となく、私はこわくないね。私たちの将来がとても明るくて楽しだと思う。一緒に色々なばしょに行って踊りする。私の心は「ドキドキ💓」と言う!愛してる。。。もちろん。愛してる!愛の言葉を話したいんでも、恥ずかしいなの~ 彼と新しい気持ちがあるんだ! あ~ 私たちは10月には日本で行きたいんだけどCOVIDはとても悪いね。😭💦💦 今、ビザをしゅとくするのはとても難しい。でも嬉しいね。😌🌸💕 彼も日本の事が好きで日本は一番ほしいぶしょに行きたい!彼のほうが日本語がじょうず。私ががんばってね! 日本語をべんきょうすることが楽しくて少し難しい。私は話すことがもっと難しいだとおむね。でも、 けいぞくするよ!きれいな日本をまた見るまつことができない!この時には一人じゃないだから彼氏とライフにする! 早く早く!寝られない。まつことができないね。おねがい。。彼と行きたいんだよ。 何もより。。ぜんぶ男は彼のとなりにゴミだと思う。彼に合う時の前に、どうしたんだ?Jは大きいゴミ!嬉しい彼にもう見ない。

Sweet goodbyes // 07.03.22

It is a Monday. The air smells sweet and fresh with the rain at the turning of the season. I have been back in Sydney for around 5 months, around the same time as I was away from home, traipsing around, trying to nurse a broken heart. Tomorrow will be 2 months since I lost my baby; I catch myself every single day thinking about what he would have been like.  At work, I see me and J in these parents' shoes. I cannot help but wonder what kind of parents we would have been, what kind of person I'd have become. Who would have stayed with me along the way . . .  I have always tried to live by the philosophy of regretting little. I have had a lot of bullshit thrown my way over the years. Thus, I try to be gentle and patient with everyone I meet because I wholly believe that everyone is dealing with their own demons. People would take one look at me and think maybe that I've never suffered, and so that's how I know that pain can be completely silent and without signal. I hide

24.02.22

You cannot make a home out of a memory. I am a mother dressed in black, my short, cropped hair hanging over a tiny, invisible grave. Against the odds, I find myself falling in love. Maybe. At least deep like. My inner map is ever-changing. Home has many different names and faces. I am a floating head where once he stood transfixed upon mine brown eyes. Once upon a time, I wanted nothing but to drown in a sea of him, my lover and friend, my muse, my nerd, absolute and true. I would have followed him anywhere. And then with the severing with the knife, I drowned, drifting in darkest deep. I returned to his sphere from the world's end only to burn yet one more time at his rough hands. My baby, his life. Wife, divine. Illusions shattered, spatters, sick, oh-so sick. Our love, loved in shades of red. Nevermore, never again. Too late, new chapter. New life, new man. Just like before, old is not gold. Hope... this man of many words. A doctor.