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Past Life // 20.11.2018

This feeling never truly goes away, Certainly, the shadows may cast memories into fading On occasion, as in a daydream,
But soon enough, the light refracts and shines Back onto the old times like a Past life Long forgotten until once remembered, These days gone by . . . .
~~~
Nothing like a little half-baked poetry to settle the nerves. There are just so many things, and I am content. Just looking at old photos gets the nostalgia running something fierce.
Today is a special day, as all others should be. It is the day I have committed to break up with Facebook, or rather, declare we go on a much-needed break from one another. I am by no means obsessed with Facebook, but I have come to rely on it in a way that I do not like. This has been something I have wanted to do for years, yet never truly followed through. Recently I had been using Facebook for groups and events, where in the past it would have been my primary way of communicating and sharing things with friends, posting photos.
In a similar…
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Goong goong // 11.11.18

There are times when I need to realise: this is bigger than just myself. I cannot let my own bruised ego get the better of me, nor let tears fall onto blind eyes. Because I am only one person and the world is imperfect and unjust and I cannot change it, all I can do is change myself.
If I could change one thing for sure I would want nothing more than disconnected apathy to take hold of my brain, shatter away all compassion and emotion so that my soul could finally flutter away and be free.
Because I am sitting in a palliative care facility in a rustic armchair next to a slowly dying aging man and yet how small must I be to feel upset that my boyfriend is eating meat that would otherwise go to waste? How small? These things surely are bigger than me.

Address // 15.10.18

I'm going through old photos on Google Photos (to collate an album with my bf), and the sight of the Before stuff still stings. I guess it's something that can't be explained away and brushed off, but rather it is far more productive to acknowledge the uncomfortable feelings that plague me as I look behind my shoulder into the past.
I used to be so happy with my ex, I thought we could get through it all somehow. I really, really saw us getting to that retirement plot all the way in New Zealand after a life well lived, not always easy, but somehow we had gotten through it together. And then reality struck, and he left me alone to cry, tearing apart all future plans, and by the time he realised maybe he'd made a mistake I'd already dusted myself off and walked on by. I was terrified. I didn't know if the path I had chosen was the right one. It broke my heart all over again to say no to him, and to choose to love someone new, instead. But now, months later, I truly…

Sunshine // 03.10.18

Gabrielle - Sunshine ♫
How lovely and satisfying it is to be able to be anything at all, to feel something, and breathe.

As I write, I am amazed by how my fingers feel; for years and years I have had a problem with picking at and peeling the skin on my fingers. It is a somewhat shameful nervous/stress-relieving/boredom-dispelling habit that I had inherited from nothing and no one. Even now I have not managed to completely re-wire my brain not to subconsciously bring my thumbs to middle fingers, in hungry pursuit of self-destruction. Because it kind of is a form of self-mutilation or self-harm. I think at its core, my desire to pick stems from my issues with self-image, and rather it is a form of punishing oneself. I need to learn to care for myself better.

This morning, I wrote a list in a burst of spontaneity under the heading, "Daily Habits". I want to incorporate more good habits in the morning, and I think it's most important to start every day with intention and purp…

Embrace // 30.09.2018

Today has been a really good day. :) 
That is all.
Not really. I just don't really know how to articulate exactly what I'm feeling right now, plus my fingers are a bit tender from having played the guitar/ukulele. It's been a really long time since I've felt that magnetic draw to the instruments, or really even music in general. (I always love music, but it feels like it is dancing and swirling inside me right now and it is good.)
I want to live with less expectation and pressure that is self-imposed. I try too hard sometimes and forget to just be, too often and I get overwhelmed. This post will be un-edited so forgive me if not everything makes complete sense, grammatically speaking. I'm going to allow imperfection to seep through the cracks every now and again . . . my mind needs a break sometimes, too.
Life is all around us, and we are the keepers. It is as much as we make of it, so we should make the most of all that we are given, and I truly do believe that in tur…

Red // 23.09.2018

Early morning, out the window delicate leaves are kissing, locked in fast embrace, held aloft by soft feather-cooled breezes. I shudder, 100% cotton fabric bunched up against these tawny knees. The daily morning routine begs that a sigh should escape from my parted pale lips, as bladder is emptied and relief is instant, sweet as cherry pie.
My hand reaches over my body and tears out several 3-ply sheets of toilet tissue, then sweeps down across the familiar valley which is haloed by a forest of luscious flora. My muddy eyes flicker downwards in evaluation . . . a faint glimmer of hope is illuminated . . . I see red. 



Can we talk about periods?
The only reason why I do not like them is because they do not like me. Even my body refuses to conform to the norm by running on its own clock. I have never known a natural 28-day cycle. It is one of those things that "normal" girls take for granted. I yearn to be able to complain about it as much as other girls tend to do; it has made me…

Normal // 17.09.18

My soul mate brings me to normal.

I don't have to pretend or put on a face; She knows my heart, Reminds me it's not a race.
Perfection is an illusion as love comes undone;  Twist ribbons to bow ties, At least we had fun. 
My mirror reflects what the tongue can speak not;  Dear sister not by birth, Giggles echoed in parking lots. 
We smile, shed tears, a girl, best friends; Talking too loud in bed,  Thrown advice to make amends. 


This was written a day or two after the emotional storms. I went to spend some time with my best friend Mel. Our friendship is truly special, I know I never have to pretend with her and even if a week or two passes without us talking to one another I know it's just because she's busy and/or needs her space. I love her dearly.
We have many things in common, but also many areas in which we differ greatly. Most of all, and what I forget to appreciate in her, is that she is perhaps my biggest anchor. (Karen, too.) Mel has been there with me through it all; certa…