Night dreams // 20.08.19

I woke with a heavy heart. It's a bit funny how, when you're on the cusp of losing something it seems to be all you can think about. My dreams were for the first time not about my fears, but my desires. I dreamt that, of course, my siblings and I were a unit again, my mother was going for surgery. And of course my big brother was there, and he was present, and everything was perfect. My sister wanted him to apologise for his recent behaviour but maybe I'm soft, I was just glad he was here. I made myself instant ramen with veggies and mock duck, and it was hearty and warming and just all the things. I didn't know we were going out for dinner beforehand, so I ate my food. 7:50 in the city. Weird.

I was going to drive there myself when I realised we could all just go together, I mean, we were all at the family home. (I remember lugging this tiny fridge out from the store room and trying to sell it, highest bid to date was $12!) So I did a U-turn along Christina, cutting o…

Watermelon-avocado oats // 19.08.19

I woke up this morning. The dullness settled in and my brain fuzz echoed against the walls. My eyes cracked open and the disappointment crept in. Still here. Still breathing. I yanked my blanket to the side and peeled myself away out of bed, already missing the glorious void of slumber.

Circular motions. Bamboo toothbrush, teeth are clean, head is not. Not ever. The monotonous sound of liquid on porcelain. Rinse, repeat. Don't look in the mirror, the eye bags are more afraid of you than you are of them.

I pulled my only pair of jeans from the dirty laundry hamper basket, the navy ones which surprisingly do not have holes on them at the knee from last night's fall. My left forearm and legs are fine, just a bit bruised, thank you for your concern. It was a full moon, okay? Things happen, it doesn't mean my head is broken.

Do not try to fix me. You cannot fix something that wants to be dysfunctional, especially one as stubborn as I.

The sun looms high in the sky and I step int…

Skinned knees // 18.08.19

as she grew into her face she fast discovered there were far more painful things than skinned knees.

like dashed hopes.
like loving someone always in the dark.
like the lonely that creeps in from the corner of the room.
like the feeling of him and her.

his absence is the most deadly scream and it is haunting her, bleeding her ears out and rending them red raw and throwing her away like last Sunday's food scraps left in the kitchen sink drain to rot and fester and dry.

his love is a desert her heart cannot cross.

how does it feel to know you could lose her, how does it feel.

See: I spent $300 on your birthday dinner and I am an idiot because I basically cockblocked myself - dinner took 3 hours and you were dead tired but I needed your body on mine. And you didn't come over though I thought you would want to be with me, but I guess not. Should have saved myself the money, gone to the local Thai place AND I would have gotten some action.

See: No I fucking will not wait for you (i…

How to love your vegan // 31.07.19

Her thoughts/feelings when you eat animals/animal byproducts in front of this vegan you care about (these vary depending on the kind of day she's been having)

(Nothing)What is the point of me doing anything, I am only one person and I can't change the world.I have changed my actions to match my values but animals are still dying and it is happening right now IN FRONT OF MY EYES -- oh God, don't think about the horrors that that poor animal endured to make it to the plate of this person who's sitting across the table from me, smile and pretend everything is fine. Failing that, at least don't cry.He/she does not care a bit about this thing that is so important, possibly the most important thing that I am doing in my life. How can he/she? I thought he/she was a compassionate and caring person too? I don't understand humans at all . . . am I an alien?Why is it so easy for everyone else just to turn a blind eye? Why can't I just be like everyone else and just ord…

It Started With A Kiss // 30.06.19

Said your love for me was unconditional.
You whispered it in the dark where we laid entwined.
Managed to find something to bring that into question.
All I had to do was be myself, that's all.
It's just me that you find hard to love.
Maybe I was too real for you.
Maybe it was never really there:
Love is a lie and leaving is the only way.

My back's to the wall. I hold the answer if only I should have the courage to ask the questions. They are old thoughts that have been brushed away, left to float in the dusty breeze for far too long. This ends tonight.
It's my fault for getting myself into something too big for my heart to carry. When I am too much muchness for another person to hold onto. So switch off (as you say), forget it, leave it be. If that's what is best for you and for me, I can let this go, this wouldn't be the first time. And as life goes, it won't be the last. I think it's one of these things . . . the more you do it the easier it gets. …